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And thus this is alternately liberating and frightening as shit.

I already did some kind of pseudo-coming out thing on Facebook to the surprise of no one, though the familial journey has been harder to deal with and isn't what one would call entirely complete or open. That said, it's long past time to be fully honest with myself (and what better way to do that than through journal fap, I ask??).



So. I'm a dude. I wasn't born a dude, which kind of blows. In the eyes of society, I am not a dude. In the eyes of the law, I am not a dude. In my eyes when I look in the mirror at this body, I am not a dude.

I'm a dude who likes other dudes. I would like to do dudely things with other du--okay, this is really sounding stupid. I'm a gay man, except I'm not. Well, maybe if you looked at me from the knee down and took my love of landscape design into consideration. The only real barrier to me being the gay dude that I am is physical, mostly.

That isn't to say that there aren't ridiculous mental issues at work here. I haven't convinced my mother that I'm not 'broken' or that I don't have a disorder, or, and this breaks my heart, that she raised me somehow wrong. She's coming along, and she loves me, which I cannot ever put a value on. I love my momma and she is awesome and we're working on it.

I don't know if I could ever come out to my stepfather, as either "gay" or transgender. Half the time I'm still uncomfortable with labels, either in some kind of backwards denial or in misplaced anger and righteousness.

I have yet to attend a group, see a psych, or do anything other than talk to some close friends about this. I've been celibate for nine years now (what is my LIFE) and part of that is that I'm not comfortable putting myself out there as I am. I want to fuck. I want to get laid. I want to have an honest relationship with somebody. I want to hold and be held. I want my cuddles. I want to enter into companionship with somebody special, with neither of us living a lie, being honest with each other. I mean, I know a lot of people want that. It's a nice thing to want. One day, I hope to get it.

I want to be male, truly male. I want the ability to have an afternoon wank. I want to be able to father a child. I want to walk down the street and be seen--not recognized, not hullabaloo'ed, just seen as just another guy. I want a male name. I want a male body. I want a male partner, at some point. Somebody to share my life with. But most of all, I really want to be comfortable with my identity. I think half the time I cut myself off at the knees hating my physical assignment as it is now, and turn that hatred inwards at everything I am or am not.

I want to be more open-minded, to myself, to others. I want to be honest with the world and say, this is who I am, even though I don't look it. I'm terrified of doing that, and also sick of not doing it. I'm so fucking tired of being afraid, sick of feeling sick of myself. It's not an easy fix and possibly something that won't ever be 'fixed' to my satisfaction, but I've really gotta try to be more...if not positive, at least more open and accepting of what I need to do to get where I want to be. It's all on me, really, and I remind myself that people have gone through struggles like this, that they've come out the other side and achieved personal triumphs that I hope to one day understand and find for myself.

I'm not sure what the point was to this post. It really was all fap, but there ya go, world. Er, the five people on my friends list.


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icesamzero

May 2012

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